My wife recently said that I need a new scent. Okay, years ago isn’t that recent. Either way, I’m open to new things. Come with me on a trip to the health and beauty aisle.
The latest deodorant options amaze me. I’ve spent most of life smelling fresh and original. I’ve smelled like a new hit television show, a rising Hollywood star and a breakthrough musician. What could be better than fresh and original?
How about Showtime, Swagger, After Hours and Playmaker? Fiji, Matterhorn and Denali are other options available from this particular brand. I see that Fiji offers palm trees and sunshine, Matterhorn contains wind and ice, and Denali features wilderness and open air. Each of the three gives you freedom. I bet these are what The Most Interesting Man in the World for Dos Equis wears.
I don’t want to smell like after hours when I volunteer at my daughter’s school or give off the scent of a playmaker on one of her playdates. Of course, I’ll get plenty of wind and ice this winter in New England, so I certainly don’t need to be rubbing a blizzard all over myself following my shower.
The essence of a porn star on extreme holiday not being my thing, let me recommend a couple of my more practical scents that are especially appropriate in this economy and at this time of year.
I’ve walked away from most of the day jobs for which I’ve interviewed as underqualified or overqualified. Everyone’s Goldilocks all of a sudden. I now introduce you to Qualified. Qualified is a scent for every woman or man who has recently been laid off or turned down for employment, including yours truly. I keep some in my Post-it-sized (I live with two females) section of the medicine cabinet.
Qualified comes in a solid and an aftershave. I own the latter, and after I splash it on, I immediately feel the difference. The scent of Qualified gives me that boost of confidence I need for tough interview questions, such as “What brings you here today?” Sometimes I smell so qualified I don’t even get that question. I’m convinced that if it came in a body wash, I’d be able to skip the interview and go straight to picking a corner office.
On my shelf next to Qualified is a stick of Insane. The holidays are approaching: Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. That means time with the relatives and time at the stores. A lot of time, and in tight quarters, such as kid-filled streets, packed dinner tables and crowded kitchens. By the way, why is everyone standing in the kitchen? Get out of the kitchen!
Smelling shower fresh this time of year just isn’t strong enough. You need to acclimate to the insanity with the scent of insanity.
I think I’m up to at least four full days of Christmas-related family activities. I’m not sure why there are so many days. It’s too much. But I think there are too many days in “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” which should be renamed “The Twelve Months of Christmas.” That’s what Christmas feels like. There’s Christmas eve with my wife’s extended family, one day at her mom’s, a day at my mom’s and one with my dad. Holy holiday a la carte, Batman!
Carrying the power of Insane under my arms helps me fit in with all this craziness, the crowds, and the endless loading and unloading of gifts into and out of the car.
This holiday season, when you catch yourself standing at the end of a register line as long and winding as another rambling story about the price of milk by your grandparents, do what I do. Refresh yourself by holding up your arm and tucking your nose into your armpit for a deep breath of Insane.
“I’m sorry everyone, but this register’s now closed! There’s an open register at the other end of the store, about a mile away and in the opposite direction from where most of you parked. Merry Christmas Eve.”
On second thought, I’ll take a stick of Fiji.
© 2011 by Mike Farley
Farley in Writing 