Dear FEMA,
Your list of recommended emergency supplies impresses us. The list covers most of the survival basics, from food and flashlights to batteries and blankets. But despite its thoroughness, my 6-year-old daughter saw glaring omissions as she prepared her Hurricane Irene emergency bag here in the Northeast. Please consider adding the following items to your official guidelines.
1. Hair pretties. If you’re a female, or a hippie, and you put your hair into a ponytail with an elastic or barrette before rushing out the door for school or work, you will want do the same knowing that you could be without your full arsenal of hair products for several days.
Small children and hippies should establish ponytails in advance of an evacuation situation. During an evacuation, most parents can easily carry to safety four children, holding them by their ponytails, two in each hand. Remember that it’s important to balance the weight on the left and right sides, much like you would carry bundles of groceries.
A mix of brightly colored bands and clips could be used to spell out an SOS. Use extra pretties to play ring toss with all the sticks that will fall to the ground during the high winds. Synchronized ponytail-swinging teams and competitions will entertain the entire neighborhood (a Summer Olympics sport of the future?).
2. Coins, specifically a penny, nickel, dime and quarter. This makes perfect sense; my daughter spent time last year in kindergarten learning about coins and the importance of money. She’s probably planning to cut a deal on a storm-damaged Barbie doll for a future makeover.
If toward the end of the emergency period you still have your coins, offer a penny for someone’s thoughts, a nickel for a kiss or a dime to be told that you’re loved. The quarter? Use it to call heads or tails to determine who will lead the revolt against your local utility company when it shows up to make repairs a couple of weeks later.
3. Lip gloss or shimmer. With no electricity, lighting will be a luxury. Lip gloss or shimmer will help you stand out in the dark. Who wants to lug a bag of flashlights and batteries around? An entire town wearing lip shimmer could provide light 24/7. Imagine the illumination from lips flashing in all directions. We’re talking discotheque. Make sure you’ve got the Bee Gees loaded to your iPod.
4. Manual hand fan. Hurricane Irene hit the East Coast this summer, and my daughter knew after our storm briefing that no electricity would mean no air conditioning. No problem: she’s packing her little accordion hand fan. While watching neighborhood children play impromptu games of strength and skill to pass the time until power’s restored, she could fan herself and sigh “oh my” in a southern drawl.
5. A princess’s magic wand. Frankly, I’m astonished FEMA didn’t come up with this one before my daughter did. Don’t your powers-that-be have children, and haven’t you watched Disney’s “Wizards of Waverly Place”? The family of wizards on Disney’s current hit television show solves a lot of crises with spells and wands. The 21st century is about streamlining and what better way than to substitute a giant duffel bag of weighty, size D batteries and canned goods with the simplicity of a sparkly magic wand. Food? Poof. Water? Ping. Zap, you bad weather!
My daughter fit all these items into a small brown paper bag in approximately 10 minutes. She’s ready.
We look forward to your reply. Please hurry, though, as the National Hurricane Center has predicted higher-than-average activity this season.
Sincerely,
The Farleys
© 2011 by Mike Farley
Farley in Writing 